DramaRambles 🌸

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A lot of what we see on social media is fabricated or an idealised version of someone’s life.

Yesterday, I turned 30 and for most people this is a big number to hit. It comes with a lot of expectations and assumptions. We’re often hardwired to think that by 30, we should have our lives sorted out and for most us that’s not the case at all.

I have no expectation that anyone will read this, but I thought it would be good to add a little perspective, in my own little corner of the internet, in a time when influencers/social media and austerity are key factors in how we think of ourselves. Obviously context is also important and as a white woman from England, my experience isn’t universal and despite certain struggles associated with my gender and social class, I do have privilege.

I’m somewhat an insular person and I find it difficult to open up to others – paired with the fact that finding friends in adulthood is incredibly hard – it’s not surprising that I have a very limited friendship circle (2 out of 3 don’t even live in the same country as me). When you work with people who have large friendship groups, or see old school friends hanging out with each other, or everyone having fun on social media, it’s depressing and embarrassing. There is an assumption that everyone has friends.

There are lots of discord and online groups that I’ve tried to interact with, but honestly, it’s like sitting in a void. I find it hard to make myself present and heard, out of fear of rejection, or what I find most hurtful – simply being ignored. Loneliness, in my experience, is far more pronounced when with/surrounded by people who don’t hear you. This is why I’ve struggled to reach out to old friends from school. I don’t want to intrude on the new successful lives they’ve made. I’ve remained the same, while everyone else has grown. I still live at home in the same town I’ve lived in since I was three years old. Comparing your life to everyone else is both normal and totally disheartening.

I’ve also never been in a romantic relationship. Further still, no one has ever shown any interest in me. Granted, I’ve never had a crush on anyone either. Both of those things require speaking to people, which I think I’ve established is not my forte. When everyone at work talks about their partner’s and you see everyone in relationships around you, it’s hard not to think something is wrong with you. And of course, not to be too morbid, but I do think I may die alone.

I’m also boring, and I mean that wholeheartedly.

I dread the “say one thing that’s interesting about yourself’ icebreaker which are preludes to mind-numbing teams meetings. If I didn’t have my dog, I’d have to make something up!

My hobbies include reading, watching stuff and cross stitch. I’m basically an old lady, but not like the beautiful aesthetic girlies on TikTok. I love my blog, but I do struggle with the insecurity that my thoughts on things aren’t interesting. And that could be valid, but there are white men who’ve made careers out of being boring and saying pointless things. I have so many insecurities and frankly, it’s tiring. It’s an uphill battle, but I do hope to overcome a lot of them as I get older.

I’m privileged to have gone to University and left with a degree. It introduced me to a wider range of people and experiences, and while my mental health was the worst it’s ever been during that time, I’m glad I pushed through to the other side. I can’t say I’ve used my degree for anything (and it’s a subject that insitution no longer teaches so essentially may be worthless), but I don’t think a lot of people do.

I have a job that I kind of don’t like (but I have some great colleagues!) and I have no career goals, which again can be a bit awkward when my manager brings it up in my one-to-one meetings. I recently went to a Career Planning Workshop and I felt so out of place. I do not have any advancement goals and they all wanted to be managers, which is not an aspiration I have ever had and never will. And that’s fine! Being safe and having financial stability is more important to me, coming from a low income family, than having more responsibility and stress than I can handle. I just want to show up, get paid and not be too stressed (I’m failing quite a bit on the last one, but we move).

Outside of work, I would love to travel more and do more activities outside of what I normally do (which is not much), but this will be in baby steps. I have obligations at home and I’m far too scared of perceived judgement. I have a habit of turning bright red at the slightest amount of attention, I have no personal style (mostly due to my weight/appearance insecurities) and not to mention the psychosomatic side effects of anxiety are not fun. I’m really grateful to my friend (Y❤️) for slotting me into her schedule as I’ve done a few new things recently, such a pottery painting, celebrating the Lunar New Year and taking a bus in London!

I’m British, so focusing on the negative is second nature to me, but there is joy in my life and while I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time and looking to the future is terrifying, I’m still chugging along as best I can.

In a world where we’re constantly inundated with other people’s lives and watching everyone succeed and be beautiful, being a regular person can be depressing. It’s one of the reasons I’m trying to be less online – scrolling through TikTok for hours is not healthy for anyone.

Even just typing this out felt somewhat refreshing. And I know it’s hard to take in, believe me I feel cringe saying this, but we all move at different paces. Our lives can’t all be the same; there are far too many factors that go into making a person’s life. Turning 30 hasn’t changed any aspect of my day to day life and I doubt it will for a long time, or ever.

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Thanks for reading and if you have anything to add, do comment down below!

I hope you’re having a lovely day and staying safe ❤️